Mystical Doughnuts
by HotKnives
Summary: After they eat a box of doughnuts, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny find themselves changing into mythical creatures. Disclaimer: I do not own South Park Warning: Foul language, sexual content, slash, character death.
1. Chapter 1

Sixteen year old Eric Cartman trudged through the snow as fast as his four hundred fifty-eight pound, five eleven body could carry him, which honestly wasn't very fast. He was trying to avoid being late to school because he knew it would leave a bad impression on his crush Wendy Testaburger. He played it off like he didn't care about her, actually, he acted like he hated her, when in reality, he loved her more than a fisherman loves fishing on a light drizzly morning when the sun has just started to reach its peak. He loved her ever since the time she kissed him in the third grade, however, there was something, or rather someone, standing in his way; Stan Marsh.

Stan grew up to be a pretty attractive feller even if he was the certified "bad boy" of the school.

When he was younger, no one would have guessed that Stan would have turned out the way he did, he had always seemed like the golden child, he made small children and adults alike smile like children on Christmas morning when the snow starts to fall softly on the already white ground.

Now he was a little hellion, always getting into trouble and sassing the teachers, he was like Craig Tucker was in elementary school only worse.

However, despite his bad boy on the outside, inside he was still the sweet, sensitive, animal loving golden child who tried to do the right thing, however, he only showed that side to a few select people, his still super best friend Kyle being one of them.

Kyle was still the temperamental do-gooder that he always was, it annoyed Stan to no end whenever he lectured him about not listening to the teachers, often times they had falling outs, but they had always managed to get back together. Over the years, Kyle didn't grow much, but no one was that surprised despite the fact Kyle was an inch or so taller than the rest of his friends at age ten. Being one of the taller kids in elementary school, it really bummed him out to find out that he was the shortest boy in high school, and it made his short temper even worse.

One time, Kenny made a short joke against Kyle, which resulted in Kyle pushing a porta-potty on top of Kenny, squishing him like a bug.

However, like he always did, Kenny came back to life. Over the years, Kenny's perversion grew worse, sometimes border-lining on creepy, one time he and Clyde Donovan made a pact to sleep with everyone on the school, so far, Kenny was winning by a landslide. Despite his flaws however, he still had a good and selfless heart.

Eric Cartman, well, Eric Cartman had only grown larger in size, but on the bright side, he wasn't as bad as he was when he was a kid. Sure he still had psychopathic tendencies, but he wasn't trying to do anything extreme like exterminate all the Jews or cooking his own father into chili again.

He continued walking to school when something caught his eye, a box of doughnuts right in his path. A normal person would have passed these doughnuts up, deeming them unfit to eat seeing as how they were on the ground, but not Eric Cartman. He walked up to the doughnuts and to his surprise, saw that the box was unopened. To his even bigger surprise, there were four doughnuts in the box, four doughnuts that had icing matching his and his friends' favourite colours.

He grabbed the red one and quickly shoved it all in his mouth at once, he started to reach for another one when he got an idea, he could give these doughnuts to his friends, he laughed when he imagined the look on Kyle's face when he told he had eaten a doughnut off the ground. He knew Kenny wouldn't care about eating ground doughnuts, and Stan probably wouldn't care either, but if he wanted Kyle to eat the doughnut, then he would have to give everyone a doughnut so it wouldn't look suspicious.

He quickly snapped the lid of the box shut to resist temptation, and he sprinted, well for him, it was more of a power walk, the rest of the way to school, arriving just as the bell rang.

"Glad to see you made it on time...for once." Mrs Barrick, the homeroom teacher said to Cartman, peering at him over her half-moon glasses.

"Yea, yea." Cartman said with a dismissive wave of his hand before turning to Kenny.

"Would you like a doughnut, Kinny?" He asked, propping the box of doughnuts up on his desk.

"Sure!" Kenny said with a smile, unsurprisingly, reaching for the orange one.

"Hey, give me a doughnut, Fat ass." Stan said.

"Okay, but you better not get any hippy germs on it." Cartman said sternly as Stan reached over and grabbed the blue doughnut.

"Oh and I guess the Jew rat wants one too." Cartman said, throwing the last doughnut at Kyle before he could say anything.

"Uh, thanks." Kyle said taking a bite of the last doughnut, this one was green. He eye-balled Cartman suspiciously, wondering why he was being so nice to them, he was hardly ever nice, especially when it came to sharing his food.

"Ha ha you stupid Jew! I found those doughnuts on the ground!" Cartman exclaimed after Kyle had finished eating it. Ah, so there it was, the dick-headed Cartman that everyone knew and hated.

"You fucking fat ass!" Kyle fumed, standing up on his desk and balling his hands up into fists.

"Calm down Kahl, they were in the box." Cartman said, unfazed by Kyle's outburst, he was used to it.

"Calm down? Calm down? You found those on the GROUND they could have had DRUGS inside of them or something!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Geez Kyle, you're starting to sound like Tweek." Cartman said.

"He doesn't sound like me, gah!" Bebe, well, Bebe's body, exclaimed, twitching slightly. Last week, Bebe and Tweek somehow switched bodies with a Science experiment gone wrong, and so far no one knew a way to switch them back.

Crazy stuff was always happening in South Park, sometimes stuff even crazier than Tweek and Bebe switching bodies. However, what Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, and Stan did not know, was that something bizarre was soon going to happen to the four of them, something that would change the course of their lives forever.

* * *

 _A/N: Sorry for making Stan a "bad-boy" I wanted to do something a bit different than the usual jock he is portrayed as in most fics._

 _Also, sorry for the wonky story structure, it will probably get better when everyone has their own chapters, this was just like an introduction chapter thing with Cartman being in the centre of it._

 _I may or may not further delve into Bebe's and Tweek's body switch, I don't know yet._

 _Anyway, thank you so much for reading._


	2. Chapter 2

The following morning, Cartman woke up with his throat feeling as dry as the Sahara desert. He stood up with a groan, shaking the whole room when his feet thudded down onto the ground.

He then started making his way downstairs to get a nice tall glass of chocolate milk.

When he reached the kitchen, he opened up the fridge, fighting the urge to scream when a tomato fell out and landed on his bare foot.

"Dammit." He muttered under his breath, making a mental note to tell his mom to start putting all the fruits and veggies into the crisper. He knew he could have done it himself, but it was his mom's job, not his.

He then grabbed the chocolate milk and filled his glass up to the brim.

"Mmm." He said, bringing it up to his nose and sniffing it, it smelled heavenly. He brought the nectar of the gods up to his lips and took a sip, spitting it back out immediately.

"What the heck?" He muttered, eyeing the glass suspiciously. Instead of having its usual creamy chocolate taste, it tasted like...nothing, nothing at all. It was just a wetness in his mouth, and it did nothing to quench his thirst.

It must be out of date. He thought to himself, looking down at the sale by date, but no, it still had over a week before it was due.

"What the?" He muttered, shaking his head, wondering if Kyle had somehow snuck into his house and switched his chocolate milk with something else.  
"That's probably it! That dirty Jew probably ruined my chocolate milk to get back at me for the doughnut yesterday." He said to himself as he climbed back upstairs, trying to ignore his dry throat.

A few hours later, Cartman was re-awoken by his mother's voice.

"It's time to get up for school, Sweetie." She said.

"But Meeem, it's too early." Cartman groaned, pulling the blanket over his head.

"Now Eric, if you want to get into Stanford, then you have to go to school." His mother said. Ever since Cartman had seen Das Experiment, a German film based on the Stanford Prison Experiment, he wanted to go to Stanford University.

"I'm up, I'm up." He grumbled, pushing himself out of bed, once again shaking the whole floor when his feet hit the ground. He walked to his closet and picked out his usual attire, a pair of brown slacks with a red turtle-neck sweater.

About thirty minutes later, he was good to go. When he stepped out the door, he was met by the sun, which nearly blinded him, his eyes felt like they were on fire!

"Gah." He exclaimed, rubbing his eyes, trying to get the pain to subside, it did, a little, however, he started noticing pain on the rest of his body. He rolled up his sleeve, and gasped when he saw that the skin on there was light pink, and that it was bubbling up slightly.

"The sun, it's burning me." He muttered to himself fearfully. Oh no, he thought, it has finally caught up with me, the ginger gene has finally caught up with me. He figured that as a brown haired, olive skin child, he had escaped the evil gene, but it seemed like it had finally awoken after lying dormat in him for sixteen years. He wouldn't be surprised if he woke up the next morning with red hair and freckles and no soul at all.

Little did he know how wrong he was, and that his friends were also going through confusing changes themselves.

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Stan walked the path to school, wrapping his coat even tighter around himself, he wasn't cold or anything, he just didn't want people to see his skin, which for some reason, had been glowing blue ever since he woke up that morning. Normally, he would have rode the bus to school, but he wanted to avoid everyone as much as he could.

He thought about telling Kyle, but he wasn't sure if he his friend would understand, he didn't really like buying into the whole weird stuff happening thing.

He also thought about telling Wendy, but she was even more up-tight about this stuff than Kyle was.

He wondered what had happened for this to happen to him, could it been something he ate? It then hit him, the doughnut. Yesterday, he had eaten a BLUE doughnut that Cartman had given him, and now he was glowing blue.

That must be it! Cartman probably put something in those doughnuts as a prank or something. So that means, if he was having weird side effects, then Kyle and Kenny must be too.

He pulled out his phone to text Kyle, knowing that Kenny doesn't have a cell phone because he's too poor and his family was too proud to apply for a Safelink Wireless phone.

Me: Hey dude, is weird stuff happening to you?

He kept his phone in his hand as he continued walking to school. A few minutes later, he received a reply.

Kyle: No, not that I know of, why?

Stan groaned when he saw Kyle's text, if something weird wasn't going on with him, then it probably wasn't the doughnuts. He quickly texted a reply back.

Me: No reason.

Kyle: Umm, okay, remember, we have a test in History today.

Stan let out another groan, like he cared about some stupid test over something that happened over a hundred years ago! It's not like he could even focus with what was going on with him at the moment.

"Hey Hippy, trying to steal Kenny's old style?" Cartman asked when Stan reached the front of the building. He was a little surprised to see him there, Cartman usually arrived to school late, Stan used to arrive to school late, ditching some classes all together until Wendy and Kyle both gave him an ear-full he wouldn't forget.

"No, I'm just sick, I'm trying to keep warm." Stan lied, he could only imagine what Cartman's reaction would be if he told him about the blue skin.

Surprisingly, Cartman didn't say anything to Stan, instead he turned his attention to Kyle who had just walked up.  
"Hey you dirty Jew I see you're up to your dirty Jew tricks again." Cartman said. Stan rolled his eyes, here we go again, he thought to himself.

"What are you talking about fat arse? And don't belittle my people you bloody eejit!" Kyle screamed in a heavy Irish accent. Stan looked at Kyle in shock for a few moments before his friend took off running into the school.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

What the hell is going on? Kyle wondered as he ran down the hall, a normal person would have ran AWAY from school, but Kyle knew that if he skipped school, his mom would ground him for life.  
"You need a hall pass." The hall monitor called. Kyle ignored him, there were more pressing matters at hand, like why did he have an Irish accent? And why were his pants,which fit him before, now dragging on the ground like he had shrunk a few inches? He hoped that wasn't the case, he was already short, he didn't want to be even shorter.

"I said you need a hall pass." The hall monitor repeated. He wondered why the hall monitor was demanding he have a pass, classes hadn't even officially started yet for the day, then again, the hall monitors were on a huge power trip, and they liked to abuse their powers as much as they could.

"And you need to shut your mouth!" Kyle snapped in his strange Irish accent.

He quickly made a bee-line to the bathroom and locked himself in one of the stalls.

As he was waiting for his heart to stop pounding so hard, he remembered something, the text Stan had sent him just minute before the incident. He pulled out his phone and re-read the text from him.

Stan: Hey dude, is weird stuff happening to you?

When he received that message, weird stuff hadn't been happening to him, but now it was, there was no denying that. He decided to text Stan his re-answer.

Me: Hey, remember when you asked if weird stuff was happening to me? It wasn't then, but I think it is now.

He automatically got a reply back.

Stan: Yea, I kind of figured that when you started yelling like a drunken Irish man, do you think it might have something to do with the doughnuts that Cartman gave us yesterday?

That's it! Kyle thought to himself as he slammed the stall door open and walked back out into the open. Cartman must have put something in those doughnuts to make them have these weird effects! That meant, if he and Stan were having weird things happening to them, then Kenny must be too.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

True to Kyle's suspicions, Kenny _was_ having weird things happen to him that day. When he woke up that morning, he was surprised to find that he had a full beard, in fact, his whole body seemed A LOT hairier than normal. He wasn't bummed out about it though, he thought it was super awesome, and he was sure it'd get him some older ladies, maybe even college ladies.

"Nice beard Kenny." A girl called out as he walked down to the hall to Homeroom.

See? It was working already.

He was grinning bigger than a pig in shit when he reached the classroom.

"Hello, you must be the new substitute teacher, Mr Handerson." Mrs Barrick said, obviously not recognising him through the beard.

"Yep." Kenny said, biting back the urge to laugh.

"Okay, well Mr Handerson, you're in the wrong classroom, the Algebra classroom is three doors down." Mrs Barrick said.  
Algebra? Crap, Kenny didn't know anything about Algebra! He knew he could have just told Mrs Barrick the truth, but he didn't want to get a detention, it gave him less time to patrol the street for ladies, he also knew that if he managed to pull this substitute teacher thing off, even for a day, it would be legendary.

"Thanks." Kenny said in the manliest man voice he could muster, ignoring the strange looks Stan, Kyle, and Cartman were giving him. Wait, was Stan wearing a parka? He slowly turned his attention back to his friend, sure enough, he was covered in a brown parka, complete with white fur around the hood and everything. Kenny almost asked Stan what the deal was, when he remembered that he was posing as a substitute teacher.

'Later.' He mouthed at them instead before walking out of the door and heading towards the Algebra classroom. He had no idea what he'd do when the real Mr Handerson arrived, but he knew he'd have to think of something quick. He then got an idea, he could ask Cartman to do it for him, Cartman was a pro at getting rid of people.

"Can I borrow your phone?" He asked a girl who was walking down the hall.

"Sure, Cutie." The girl said with a giggle, handing him a pink flip phone with a decorative silver Scottish Terrier dangling from the top of it.

"Thanks." He said before texting Cartman his request, he knew Cartman's number by heart, because he worked part time at Shakey's, and Cartman was always ordering pizza from there.

Cartman: What's in it for me?

Kenny let out a sigh, of course he'd want something in return.

Me: I'll give u an A in Algebra.

Cartman: Lame.  
Kenny growled under his breath, what could Cartman possibly want that he could give him? It's not like he could pay him or anything.

Me: Wat do u want then?

Cartman: Well Kenny, since you've always been one of my better friends, I've decided to do my end of the bargain now, but when I think of something for you to do, I'll let you know, and you better come through.

Kenny gulped, he knew how deranged Cartman could be, so he was sort of fearful about what his payment would be. However, desperate times called for desperate measures, and he knew that if he wanted to pull this off, then he'd need Cartman's help.

Me: Okay, deal.

He then deleted the texts, and handed the phone back to the girl, wondering if what Cartman was going to come up with was going to be any weirder than what was happening to him now.

What he didn't know though, was that things were going to start getting weirder, a whole lot weirder.


	3. Chapter 3

As Mr Leif, Cartman's Science teacher, droned on and on about some dude named Gregor Mendel and his peas, Cartman fought the urge to eat his desk. Today was the first time in his life that he missed breakfast, and he was STARVING, he was sure it'd only be a matter of time before he dropped dead from starvation, and to make matters worse, his throat was still parched.

"Okay class, that's all the time we have for today, your homework assignment will to make your own Punnett squares." Mr Leif said as the bell FINALLY rang.

"About time." Cartman muttered, rushing out of the classroom as quickly as he could, not really caring about the assignment. He then groaned when he remembered his schedule, he still had TWO WHOLE OTHER CLASSES BEFORE LUNCH! He was sure in those two hours that he'd be a goner. He then remembered something, the back up snacky cakes he keeps in his back-pack. He rushed to his locker and quickly grabbed one, shoving it all in his mouth at once.

To his dismay, it had no flavour, but he didn't care much, he continued to shove more into his mouth.

"That's better." He muttered to himself with a smile, a smile that only lasted a few seconds before he felt a sharp pain in his stomach that brought him to his knees.

He couldn't understand what was going on, sure he had just eaten a lot, but he had often eaten way more with no adverse effects. He wondered if he could be having refeeding syndrome.

The pain soon became unbearable for him to think clearly, and he curled up in a ball, hoping that would help to ease some of it.

As he laid there in misery, one clear thought hit his mind, the doughnuts.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Stan learned that if he closed his eyes and thought of a place, he could teleport there. While it was an awesome...power...to have, he didn't understand what was going on with him, and it scared him a little. He could understand the doughnut turning him blue, but giving him the ability to teleport? That didn't make sense at all.

'I'm starting to sound like Kyle.' He thought to himself, wondering how his friend was holding up. His wonder didn't last for long, because he soon saw his super best friend heading down the hall.

"Um did you get shorter, Dude?" He asked, noticing that his friend was at least five inches shorter than he was this morning.

"Yes! I don't know what keeps happening, first I develop an Irish accent, and now I'm shrinking." Kyle exclaimed.

"Yea, I know what you mean." Stan said, rolling up his sleeve to reveal his glowing blue skin.

"Whoa, does it hurt?" Kyle asked.

Stan shook his head, it didn't hurt at all, it just had a slight tingling feeling, that felt kind of nice now that he thought about it.

He then groaned when the bell rang,

"We'll continue this conversation at lunch with Kenny and Cartman." He said.

"Sounds good." Kyle said before heading off towards his class. After he was out of sight, Stan closed his eyes and imagined English class, and when he opened them, he was at the door.

He smiled, he was getting better at this, he opened the door and went and took his usual seat beside Wendy.

"Hey Stan." She greeted him.

"Hey Wendy." He said with a smile.

"Can anyone tell me blah blah blah." Stan didn't hear the question the teacher asked, he didn't care. Even though Wendy hated when he did this, he decided to voice his thoughts about this aloud.

"Can anyone tell me why we should care?" He asked, earning a glare from both Wendy and the teacher.

"Detention Mr Marsh." The teacher said with a sigh.

"Whatever." Stan said, he was used to having detention. As he got older, he learned that trying to please everyone just led to disastrous results, so he figured that he'd please as little people as possible, however, that wasn't working out too well for him either it would seem. He supposed he hadn't found himself yet, and now that he was blue and could teleport, it would be that much harder.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kyle was glad when lunch finally rolled around, he desperately needed to get to the bottom of this. Everywhere he went, people were giving him strange looks, probably noticing the height difference, and when he spoke, they looked at him like he had three heads. He tried faking an accent, but it seemed impossible, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop speaking in an Irish accent.

"Okay, so we all know that one thing we have in common is that we ALL ate one of those doughnuts that Fat Arse gave us yesterday right?" Kyle said, looking around the table, wondering exactly where Cartman was, he was NEVER late for lunch. As if the universe could read his mind, Cartman comes limping up, holding his stomach, looking as pale as a ghost.

"Are you okay Cartman?" Kyle asked with concern, even though he was his rival, he still cared about his well-being.

"No I'm not okay you buttfuckin Jew! Because of your dirty Jew tricks the sun burns me like I'm a gosh darn ginger! Also, when I try to eat or drink something, it has NO taste and it gives me horrible stomach pains!" Cartman snapped.

"It would do you some good to lose some weight, Tubby." Kyle snapped, however, inside, he felt kind of bad for the larger boy.

"Come on guys, fighting isn't going to solve anything." Stan said, stepping in between the two of them.

"He's right, I think we should all say what's going on with us and then go from there." Kyle said.

"I already told you what was going on with me, and it's plain to see what's going on with you, Jew." Cartman said.

"Well we all know that Kenny is very hairy for some reason, and that he's working as a substitute teacher." Stan said.

"I really don't think POSING as a substitute teacher is a result of the doughnuts we ate." Kyle said.

"Everyone be quiet, Craig is coming." Kenny said quickly, everyone automatically shut their mouths, they didn't want anyone to know what is going on with them.

"Um, are you sure he's coming?" Kyle asked about three minutes later. As if his words were on cue, Craig comes walking up to the table.

"Hey Kyle, do you want to revise for the History test?" Craig asked. Oh crap, the History test, in the mist of everything that was going on, Kyle had completely forgotten about the History test, and he could tell by the blank look on Stan's face that he had forgotten about it too.

"Yea, sure, give me five minutes, I'll meet you outside." Kyle said.

"Thanks." Craig said with a rare smile before walking off. When Kyle is sure that he can no longer hear them, he turns to Kenny,

"How did you know Craig was coming? Do you have like psychic visions now or something?" He asked.

Kenny shook his head,

"No, I smelled him, it's like I can see, hear, and smell things I never could before, I also feel stronger." Kenny replied.

"Guess you got a good doughnut." Kyle said with slight bitterness, however, he was glad that Cartman wasn't the one to get the good doughnut.

"Oh because YOU'VE never gotten the good thing in life? Mr Has a house bigger than the rest of us at this table because your father is a lawyer with his fancy lawyer checks!" Kenny snapped, obviously offended at Kyle's comment. It takes A LOT to set Kenny off, but when that happens, it's like Mount Vesuvius is erupting again.

"Oh yea? At least I don't have to shag multiple people to fill a void!" Kyle snapped as his heart thudded heart in his chest from anger.

"Uh guys, I can teleport." Stan said, both of them directed their attention to him.

"What did you say?" Kyle asked.

"I said I can teleport." Stan said with a shrug.

"That's great Stan, I'm really happy for you." Kyle said with a smile, however, even though Stan was his super best friend, and he truly was happy for him, he couldn't help but to feel a little jealous, he knew that it'd probably pass though, and who knows? Maybe he'd discover something cool about his condition too, and on the brightside, Cartman seemed to have nothing good going for him.

"Well, I better go meet Craig now." Kyle said before turning to Kenny.

"I'm sorry." He said.

"I know, so am I." Kenny said with a smile. Kyle smiled back and headed out the door, wondering what the rest of the day had in store.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kenny walked to the Algebra classroom with what Kyle said weighing heavily on his mind, was it possible that he was just having sex to fill a void? Those worries soon melted away when he saw a bunch of pretty ladies already sitting at their desks, he wasn't trying to fill a void, he had sex with lots of women because they're hot and he loved it!

"Okay class, today we are going to record the time it takes for you to achieve an orgasm, and then we're going to add them all up, and then divide that number by how many students there are in the class to find the average." Kenny said.

"Um, that's not Algebra, that's basic math." Token said.

"Hey! Who's the teacher here?" Kenny said.

"Not you McCormick, but this is pretty entertaining, so I'm not going to say anything." Token said.

"What if we've never had an orgasm?" Annie asked.

"Oh don't worry, if you get with me, you'll definitely have one." Kenny said with a wink, smiling as he watches her cheeks turn pink.

"Hmm, I've heard legends about you, are you really as good as they say you are?" Tweek, well, Bebe asked in a sultry voice. Out of all the girls that Kenny had slept with, Bebe hadn't been one of them, she seemed unreachable to him, like she was a goddess and he was like a little ant, now it seemed like he might have a chance, the only bad thing was, is that she's still in Tweek's body.

"Nope, I'm better." Kenny said with a smirk. He then realised something, maybe everyone wasn't as stupid or as blind as Mrs Barrick, they all seemed to recognise him, but as long as they didn't rat him out, that was cool with him.

"You're not as good as me." Clyde said, his words caused Kenny to scoff, by the results of their bet, it was clear as day that Kenny was the better lover.

"Statistics don't lie, clearly, I'm the better lover." Kenny said.

"Why don't you two just bang each other and then decide who's the better lover?" Bebe said.

"I'm down." Clyde said.

Kenny rubbed his beard, thinking about whether he should do it or not, he figured it was time he broadened his horizons, and nothing could be as weird as what was happening to him now.

"I'll do it." He said firmly.


	4. Chapter 4

After school, instead of going home, Cartman decided to pay a visit at Kyle's house, he knew Kyle wouldn't be home, he was "revising" with Craig, so requiring what he was looking for was going to be a piece of cake.  
Cartman knew that Kyle had something to do with the changes that were happening to him, and he was going to prove it.

He walked as quickly as he could down the street, trying to ignore the sun, which felt like it was baking him into a crisp.

He then raced around the corner, nearly bumping into a pre-teen on his bike.

"Watch where you're going you stupid brat!" He yelled, earning the middle finger from the kid.

Cartman shook it off, he'd deal with the brat later, right now he had to get to Kyle's house.

After a painful eternity later, he finally reached the porch, he noticed that neither of Kyle's parents' cars were in the car port.

'That's good.' He thought to himself as he reached into the planter where Kyle kept his spare key. He put the key in the lock, listening to the satisfying click it made, before swinging the door open.

He then stepped through the door, or at least, attempted to, but he was blocked by an invisible door or something.

"What the?" Cartman muttered, once again trying to enter Kyle's house, and once again being blocked.

'That rotten Jew probably installed a secruity camera so I don't find out what he's hiding!' Cartman thought to himself, charging full speed towards Kyle's house, only to be knocked back a few feet and landing on his ass on the side-walk.

"Ow." He hissed, looking at his left arm, noticing slight scrapes. He gasped in shock when he saw what happened then, his abrasions seemed to be healing in a matter of seconds right before his very eyes.

However, even though his abrasions were healing, the sun blisters on his skin were not, they were getting worse, and so painful that Cartman had to bite down on his bottom lip to keep from screaming. He knew that there was only thing he could do at the moment, and that was go home and watch Terrance and Phillip.

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"Stan, what's up with the parka? You've been wearing it all day, it's warm in here, you should take it off." Wendy said as they walked upstairs to her room.

"I told you I'm sick, Wendy." Stan said with a sigh, however, he wondered if he should just tell Wendy his problem, she was going to find out sooner or later. Then again, if he did find out, who's to say that she'd want to date someone who was blue?

"I think I'm ready, Stan." Wendy said, breaking in his thoughts.

"Wait, what?" Stan said with shock, wondering if Wendy meant what he thought she meant.

"I said, I think I'm ready to you know, take the next step." She said as her face flushed red.

Stan's heart thudded in his chest, both from fear and excitement. Excitement because he's been waiting A LONG time for his, fear because how was he supposed to do it without taking off his clothes.

"Stan?" Wendy said.

"Um, so um, what made you decide that now was the right time?" Stan asked, stalling for time until he could think of something to do.

"Well, we've been together since we were eight, not counting all the times we broke up, and I decided that the time felt right you know?" Wendy replied.

"Yea, but now? Right now? You don't want it to be more romantic?" Stan stammers out.

"I told you I'm not really into that whole candle light and roses stuff, being with the person I love, making love with the person I love, is more romantic than all that stuff." Wendy said, grabbing his face and attempting to kiss him, only his coat got in the way.

"Stan, you know we can't really make love with this parka you're wearing." She said tugging on it gently.

"Um, look, I'd love to, I'd really love to, but maybe not tonight, I'm really sick." Stan said with a fake cough before bolting out of the room, ignoring Wendy's protests for him to stop.

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Kyle sat at the table of the most fancy restaurant in town, checking his watch every five minutes. It was now 7:42, Clyde had agreed to meet him there at 7 on the dot.

Today was their six month anniversary, however, the only people who knew about them were Stan and Craig. Clyde was afraid to come out, so he acted like he had sex with a lot of women, and Kyle, who was already out, pretended to date Craig, which Craig didn't really mind.

"Can I get you anything to start out with?" The waitress asked for about the third time since Kyle got there.

"No, I um I'm fine, I'm sure he'll be here soon." Kyle said quietly, ducking his head, trying to ignore the stares of pity from everyone around him.

"How about a refill?" The waitress said.

"Sure." Kyle said, handing her his half-empty glass of Dr Pepper. He then pulled out his phone to text Clyde.

Me: Hey where are you?

He drummed his fingers on the table, waiting for a reply, when the waitress walked back to the table with his Dr Pepper.

"Here you go." She said, sitting it down on the table.

"Thanks." Kyle said, picking up his phone to see if he had missed the notification sound; he hadn't.

Kyle then decided to text Stan, to see if he knew where Clyde was.

Me: Hey, have you seen Clyde? He was supposed to meet me tonight.

Stan: No, have you tried calling or texting him?

Me: Yea, I got no reply.

Stan: I'm sorry, maybe you should try Craig.

Me: Good idea.

Kyle scrolled up to Craig's name in his contact's list and sent him a message.  
Me: Hey, have you seen Clyde?

He automatically got a reply back, which i what usually happened when he texted Craig.

Craig: No, I thought he was supposed to be with you tonight.

Me: He was, but he never showed, I tried texting him, but I got no reply.

Craig: Okay, if I hear from him I'll tell you.

Me: Thanks.

"Attention, the restaurant is going to be closing in ten minutes." A loud speaker boomed. Kyle sighed and stood up, knowing that he and Clyde weren't going to be having their fancy dinner tonight. He pulled out a twenty and sat it down on the table, to pay for his drinks and the waitress's tip, before walking out of the restaurant with a heavy feeling in his heart.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"That was better than I thought it would be." Kenny panted out.

"It was great." Clyde said from beside him. They had just finished their second round of sex, where they had each taken turns topping and bottoming. Kenny decided that he preferred to top more.

"So, wanna go for another round?" Kenny asked, positioning himself in between Clyde's legs.

"Sure." Clyde said with a smile, grabbing the back of Kenny's neck and pulling him down into a passionate kiss.

Kenny kissed him back with more passion, and pushed into him slowly. As his thrusts got more intense, he started to claw down Clyde's chest in a heat of passion, watching with shock as blood dripped down his torso, surely his nails weren't that sharp? He looked down at his nails, and instead of seeing nails, he saw long sharp bloody claws.

"W-What are you?" Clyde asked with fear, seeing Kenny's claws.

Kenny, desperate to get Clyde's attention on something else besides his claws, bit him on the neck to turn him on again. Only, he did a little more than just bite him, he noticed, when Clyde's blood started squirting out of neck, coating the bed.

"Oh my gosh." Kenny muttered to himself with horror, wondering what he had done, he had seen that much blood before, but usually he was on the receiving end.

"Oh my gosh." He repeated, picking up the sheet and pressing it against Clyde's neck to slow the bleeding. However, with the blood coming out of his neck coupled with the blood still pouring out of his chest wounds, it did little to help. Kenny thought about calling 9-11, but he knew what would happen, they would haul him off to jail so fast it would make his head spin. He couldn't go to jail though, he needed to take care of Karen. He knew there was only one thing left to do, he carefully wrapped Clyde up in the sheet, and with his enhanced strength, he carried him to Stark's Pond, glad that there was no one around outside at 11 at night. When he reached Stark's Pond, he apologised to Clyde, before heaving his body into the cold dark water.


	5. Chapter 5

The following morning, Cartman walked downstairs with his stomach rumbling, he had never been this hungry, or felt this weak before. Whenever he tried to eat something, it made him violently ill, sometimes so ill, that he'd start vomiting blood. However, no matter how sick he got, that didn't stop him from trying to eat.

"Meem, can I have waffles?" Cartman asked in the sweetest voice he could muster.

"In a minute Poopsykins, Mommy is chopping celery for your lunch today, remember, the doctor said you have to eat healthier." She replied.

"But Meeem." Cartman begged.

"Not now Eric, ow!" She suddenly exclaimed, holding her finger that she accidentally cut, but not before a few drops of blood dropped down onto the counter top. Upon seeing the blood, it was like something took over Cartman's brain, and before he could stop himself, he lunged at the blood and licked it off the counter top. Even though it wasn't much, he immediately felt rejuvenated, he felt his senses heighten, and he felt stronger than ever before, and the best part was that his throat was no longer parched, and all of his sun blisters seemed to have disappeared.

"E-Eric sweetie? What are you doing?" His mother asked with shock. Cartman just ignored her and headed towards the freezer, there he grabbed a few packages of raw meat and sucked the blood out of them, savouring every drop.

"Mommy's going to the hospital, I think this cut needs a few stitches." She then said a few moments later after getting no reply from her son.

"Okay Mom!" Cartman yelled before running upstairs, surprisingly making it up there in a blink of an eye, usually it takes him at least five minutes to make it up the stairs.

"What the?" He said, looking around, wondering what the devil is going on, usually, he would be gasping and panting for breath, but he felt no effects at all. He then decided to chalk it up to all the weird things that have been happening to him lately, making a mental list in his head.

He knew a few things already, he burned in the sunlight, he couldn't sneak into Kyle's house, he couldn't eat normal food, in fact, the only thing he could eat was blood, he now had super speed or something. As he mulled over the symptoms in his head, something became very clear, he wasn't a normal sixteen year old anymore, and he knew that even though they were having different symptoms than him, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny weren't normal anymore either.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Stan walked to school as slowly as he could, still wearing his parka from yesterday, last night he had received a text from Wendy saying that she needed to talk to him, and he was dreading it, he really was. He had no idea what he would tell her, that he just woke up one day and was blue, and could teleport? She would never understand. He his thoughts were soon broken into when he saw a little girl standing on the side of the road crying.

"Ugh, dammit." He muttered to himself, knowing how much he wanted to ignore the girl, his kind nature wouldn't allow him to.

"What's wrong?" He asked, walking up to her.

"M-My cat, Milly, she has brown fur with white spots, she's missing." The girl sobbed.

"Okay, do you know where the last place you saw her was?" Stan asked.

The girl shook her head,

"I just wish she was here with me." She cried.

Stan gasped out with shock when his hands suddenly sparked, and a cat appeared at the girl's feet.

"Milly!" She exclaimed, picking the cat up and hugging her close to her chest, looking up at Stan.

"You're my guardian angel." She whispered before running off.

Stan couldn't help but to snort at her choice of words, him, an angel? Yea right.

In fact, he was so not an angel, that he was planning on ditching school, he really didn't want to face Wendy. He decided that he would go to Stark's Pond, he could use a little relaxing scenery and a dip in the pond itself couldn't hurt, a relaxing swim might be just what he needed to get his mind focused on something else other than the weird things that were happening to him.

When he got to Stark's Pond, he was surprised to see Scott Tenorman standing there with a sinister grin on his freckled face.

"Scott, what are you doing here?" Stan asked, knowing that the insane boy liked to stay in dark places, that he hardly ever came out.

"I came for you." Scott said with his grin growing larger as he held up a cross-bow, aiming it at Stan's chest.

"What? Why me? Cartman's the one who-" Stan started to say when he felt himself being grabbed roughly from behind, when he turned his head, he saw himself looking at Trent Boyett.

"Hey! Let me go!" Stan yelled, struggling to get out of Trent's grip.

"Just come with us calmly and I won't turn you into a platypus like I did your friend." Stan heard a familiar voice say, he looked over and gasped when he saw Damien standing there.

"Why are you doing this? I thought we were friends." He asked him, knowing that he would probably be the easiest to break.

"Oh please, you and your friends made my life a living hell, pardon the pun, before you finally accepted me. Then, when I was staying in the insane asylum, Trent here told me everything you guys did to him, and Scott told me about what Cartman did to his parents. It was then that we developed Team STD, a group determined to take you down." Damien said darkly.

Even though what Stan had just heard was very serious, he couldn't help but to snort at the team name.

"How did you know I'd be here?" Stan asked.

"I guess we just happened to be at the right place at the right time." Damien said with a smirk.

Before Stan could reply, his phone started buzzing, and Trent quickly snatched it out of his pocket.

"What are you doing?" Stan demanded when he saw that Trent was texting someone.

"Replying to Kyle, I told him to meet here, I said it was very urgent." Trent said with a wicked grin as Damien threw him a thick rope which he used to bound Stan's arms and legs.

"Are you sure this will hold him?" Trent asked.

"Yes, these ropes come from the pits of hell itself, no mortal man can break through." Damien answered.

"Stan?" Stan heard Kyle call. Go away, just go away, he thought to himself, however, he couldn't get the words to come out, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't warn his friend.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Stan?" Kyle repeated when he was suddenly forcefully tackled to the ground by a large, heavy force.

"What the? Get off me!" He yelled as he started to thrash underneath the person who tackled him.

"Shut up." The boy growled, grabbing his hair and yanking his head back forcefully.

"I am going to go put you by your friend there, no funny business, okay?" The boy said. Kyle looked over at where the boy was pointing, and he gasped when he saw Stan tied up by glowing ropes.

He nodded, knowing that he could come up with a plan later, that his and Stan's survival was more important.

"Good." The boy said, dragging him over to Stan where was, then another boy tied him up.

"Looks like we got another one, can we go after Cartman next? I want to hit him the hardest." Kyle instantly recognised Scott Tenorman say. As he looked harder at the other two boys, he saw that they were no other than Trent Boyett and Damien.

"Long story short, Scott, Trent, and Damien teamed up in the insane asylum they were in, and now they call themselves Team STD." Stan whispered, causing Kyle to suppress a laugh, who came up with that name?

"Stop talking!" Scott yelled, aiming the cross-bow that he was holding at them. Something then struck a chord in Kyle's mind, Scott didn't hate them, he only hated Cartman.

"Hey Scott." He hissed in a whisper, making sure that Trent and Damien weren't looking, he also hoped that Scott would at least give him a chance to speak before taking him out.

"What?" Scott asked.

"How about instead of wasting all this time helping Trent and Damien take us out, you join us, we hang out with Cartman, we always know where he is, you could get your revenge a lot faster if you teamed up with us." Kyle whispered. He saw something flicker in Scott's eyes for a minute, before he was suddenly shoved aside by Trent, who was now holding a gun to Kyle.

"First you steal my childhood, then you try to steal one of the only friends I ever had?" Trent said before Kyle heard a loud bang. He squeezed his eyes shut, and waited for the pain of being shot to hit him, but it never came, when he opened his eyes, he and Stan were in Stan's bedroom, and they were no longer in ropes.

"What the? How did?" Kyle muttered, standing up and rubbing his wrists.

"I can teleport now remember? I guess I can teleport other people as well." Stan said with a smile.

"Well, thanks for saving me out there, I probably would have been dead if it wasn't for you." Kyle said with a slight laugh, his pounding heart finally turning back to normal.

"What are friends for? And you know, I'm starting to get used to that new accent of yours, it actually sounds kind of nice." Stan said with a smile.

"Yea, if only my parents thought the same thing." Kyle said before standing up quickly.

"If those guys, team STD, came after us, then that must mean that they'll be going after Kenny and Cartman next, you may have the power to teleport, but they don't, we need to warn them." He said.

"Good idea, you send them a text telling them to meet us all here after school." Stan said.

Kyle did just that, before sitting on the bed beside his best friend.

"Clyde never showed last night, he hasn't been replying to any of my texts or calls either, I asked everyone at school if they had seen him, but they all said no." He said sadly.

"Well, maybe he's sick, have you went to his house yet?" Stan asked.

"Yes, this morning on my way to school, apparently he hasn't been home since last night, his dad said he left with some blond guy. You know who's blond Stan? Trent Boyett, what if they're targeting the people we love to get to us?" Kyle asked.

"Wendy!" Stan gasped, suddenly bolting out of the room, leaving Kyle sitting there alone.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After school, Kenny walked to Stan's house where Kyle had texted him to meet them. He knocked on the door, surprised to see that it was Craig who answered it.

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

"Kyle invited me, come in, they're all down in the basement." Craig answered. Kenny nodded and followed Craig to where his friends, and Wendy, were all waiting for him.

"What is this about?" Kenny asked sitting down on one of the sofas.

"Scott Tenorman, Trent Boyett, and Damien are all determined to take us down, and we think that they're going after the people they care about to get to us." Stan said.

"What? That ginger butthole is back? I thought he was dead!" Cartman exclaimed.

"Are you two okay?" Kenny asked, eyeing Craig and Wendy up and down, they didn't seem hurt.

"They're fine, but Clyde is missing." Stan said.

"But who cares about, I mean, who is Clyde close to?" Kenny asked as his heart thudded in his chest, he didn't know which was stronger, the guilt of killing the boy, or the fear of getting caught.

"Me." Kyle said, standing up and walking to the centre of the room.

"I think it's time, I told everyone the truth, Clyde and I have been together for the past six months, he wasn't ready to come out yet, so I used Craig as my beard I guess you could say, but now he's missing, and I'm pretty sure that team STD had something to do with it." He choked out.

Kenny gasped, it felt like an ice pick was being plunged through his heart, it became apparent to him which emotion was winning; guilt. He couldn't believe that he had slept with his good friend's boyfriend, and then he accidentally killed him.

"Kyle I-" Kenny begun to say when he stopped himself, he couldn't tell Kyle what had happened, that would mean losing one of his best friends, and he didn't want to give that up.

"Yea?" Kyle asked.

"I'm sure Clyde is okay." Kenny said, placing his hand on his friend's shoulder as his stomach became twisted up in knots.

"You know, since this meeting is over, I better go home and check on my sister." He then said before walking upstairs, feeling the weight of a blue whale on his chest.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm sorry for the super short chapter, and taking so long to update, I currently have writer's block, so the next few chapters may be a bit short until I get into the writing spirit again. Thanks for reading**

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The following night since he had heard about Team STD, Cartman heard a knock on the door, when he opened it, he was surprised to see Kyle standing there.

"What are you doing here, Kahl?" Cartman asked with a sigh.

"I've been doing some research about what has been going on with us, and I think I know what we might be." Kyle said holding up a thick leather bound book, which was titled All About the Supernatural Life.

"Come in." Cartman said with sigh, moving out of the way. Even though he hated the Jew, he also hated not knowing what was going on with him.

Kyle nodded and took a seat on the couch,

"Okay, well, from what this book says, I think you might be a vampire." He began.

"What? Vampires are so gay! They're like the sissiest supernatural creatures there are." Cartman whined as he thought about Edward from Twilight, he really wasn't like that, was he?

"There are more kinds of vampires than the Twilight kind, Fat-ass, and if you think that's bad, I'm a bloody leprechaun." Kyle said.

Cartman had to surpress a laugh,

"Oh how the tables have turned, do you realise how ironic this is Jew? You made a bet that leprechauns weren't real, and then you got out of it when leprechauns were deemed imaginary, only to find out that you are one yourself."

"Don't rub it in." Kyle said with a sigh, rolling his eyes.

"Well Kahl, I know of a bet that you still haven't paid for, and I'm not counting that imagination land thing." Cartman said with a sinister grin.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I wish I had a beer right now." Stan heard a man say in the store, before his hands started glowing, and a beer appeared in the man's hand.

'What the hell is going on right now?' Stan thought to himself as he walked down the aisle with Kenny who looked just as confused as he felt. Ever since learning about Team STD, and Clyde's disappearance, everyone decided that it would be best if no one goes anywhere alone. Normally, Stan would have went somewhere with Wendy or Kyle, but they were both busy, Wendy was babysitting, and Kyle was trying to figure out what happened to Clyde.

"I wish I had a hot dog." Kenny said.

Stan groaned when once again his hands glowed, and a hot dog appeared in Kenny's hand.

"This is awesome dude, you're like my own personal genie." Kenny said with a grin before taking a huge bite of his hotdog.

That's it! Stan thought to himself, it all made sense now, he was a genie! The thought of it made him happy, however what he didn't know, was that in the next aisle over, was an evil genie hunter who had heard everything.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"You still lost the bet, Jew!" Cartman yelled outside of Kyle's house, ever since he had told him that he was a leprechaun, Cartman had been harassing him non-stop to suck his balls. However, since Cartman was now a vampire, he couldn't sneak into his house anymore, which Kyle loved.

He then turned back to his computer to look at the blog he had made, after Clyde's disappearance, he made a blog on the school website to see if anyone had seen or heard from him, he was about to give up for the night, when he got a ping on there. When he looked, he saw that there was a post from Token.

"The last I knew, Clyde was going to have sex with Kenny-"  
Kyle stopped reading the message right there, he slammed his laptop shut and clenched his hands into fists, how dare Kenny and Clyde betray him like that, he was going to get them back if he was the last thing he did, he just knew that he would have to find Clyde first, and he knew exactly how he was going to do it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When Kenny reached his front porch, he was surprised to see Kyle standing there looking livid.

"Hey Kyle, what are you doing-" He began to say when he was shoved into the snow by his friend.

"How dare you sleep with my boyfriend! Where is he? Are you hiding him out so I wouldn't find out?" He yelled.

"Kyle, calm down, Kenny doesn't know anything about Clyde, Team STD took him, remember?" Stan said.

"No, don't you see? We were wrong, Team STD didn't take Clyde, his dad only said that he left with a blond, you know who else is blond? Kenny!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Yea, so is every other person in the school." Stan said.

"I just wish Clyde was here so he could explain himself!" Kyle yelled.

"Kyle no!" Kenny exclaimed, realising what his friend had just done, however, it was too late, Clyde's mangled and, bloated from the water, body suddenly appeared at Kyle's feet.

"Kyle." Clyde rasped out as a worm came crawling out of his nose.

Kyle let out a scream, and to Kenny's surprise, he disappeared, maybe he had learned how to teleport like Stan? Speak of the devil, Kenny thought to himself, when Stan teleported, leaving him alone with with Zombie-Clyde.

"You." Clyde groaned, pointing a bloated finger at Kenny.

Kenny gulped and backed away from his dead friend,

"Look Clyde, let's just talk about this." Kenny said, even though he had super strength, teeth, and claws, he felt powerless to do anything, like a spell had been cast on him or something.

"Murderer." Clyde rasped, before lunging at Kenny, and then, everything went dark.


End file.
